What does it mean to you?
Intimacy usually denotes mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing. It is often present in close, loving relationships such as marriages and friendships. The term is also sometimes used to refer to sexual interactions, but intimacy does not have to be sexual.
Giving birth to a little human being is one of the most beautiful acts of intimacy I know. They are completely vulnerable and need us to take care of them until they can take care of themselves. But with this comes great responsibility and teaching. As children, they need to be feed, cleaned, and nurtured. The development of our children depends on our ability to create a safe place for them to learn and experience intimacy. When they hurt themselves, we need to give them the attention they need at the moment, and to be able to cry when they need to cry, be angry when they feel angry, but help them with strategies to not stay in it. We also need to teach them boundaries, do not touch the hot stove or you will get hurt… there is a thought process here, and it is an important one. It’s also about trust, as their parent we would not do anything that would hurt them. Children need love and connection, and we do not think twice about this, however each human being needs love and connection. I believe that we need many kinds of intimacies, and for each of us, depending on our individual needs some of us need intimacy in different ways.
The 5 love languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman talks about different ways we speak about love and how we all have different needs within it. The five Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
I believe that this is an incredible read however, we also need to know we are what we live. Imagine you had the experience of seeing a beautiful loving relationship and built an expectation from it. Our relationships never seem to add up to the one we hold in such high regard. In comparison, if all we have experienced was dysfunctional relationships than we are stuck in not having an awareness of what a healthy relationship looks like. Also, many of us do not know that we are not happy until we experience happier. I was married to a man for 28 years, our relationship in total was 32 years. I was as happy as I knew how to be, until I was not. For years, parenting our children kept me busy, and I was too busy to think about more than the day to day. One day, I remember thinking I feel so lonely, and at first, I thought it was because my kids did not need me anymore. That was not it, I woke up and I could see that I was living for everyone but myself. I was taught to put others before myself, which most of us were taught. I was so busy doing for everyone, I never really thought about what I wanted for myself. I stayed in my marriage until I could not anymore. We were growing apart and before long I had changed and was not able to stay in the relationship anymore. I felt like something just opened inside me and I gave myself permission to explore who I was on a level I had never expected.
Most of us have learned about love from our environment. The way our parents loved, and from watching our friends, and couples on TV. They either showed more of the happy side of marriage or the negative side. Balance is key. We need to feel safe to really think about how we feel about intimacy and how our ideas are formed by our experiences. I feel blessed because of my work. I have had an incredible gift of working with many diverse clients. Heterosexual, same sex, bisexual, and transgender couples. We worked on strategies and exercises to reconnect and strengthen their relationship. All couples are looking for a way to feel more connected to their partners. I believe communication is an excessively big part of intimacy. I have been on both sides of the fence. I was with my husband since I was 15. Neither of us knew anything outside our relationship but the experience of watching couples in our family and our friends. I do not believe looking back that we really understood what our love language was. I am in a same sex relationship and have learned a lot about intimacy in the last 5 years. I believe it is partly because my partner and I have always created a safe place to be for each other. Someone asked me what my love language was, and I said all 5 are my love languages. One just is not enough for me. I want it all and I believe that it is possible. My partner and I work hard on keeping things in balance. We make sure that if we start to feel neglected or unappreciated, we deal with it right away before it become an issue, and we always take the time to have date nights.
Creating a safe place to talk and communicate is especially important, but also to listen. Every morning my partner and I take time to connect and communicate our plans for the day then before bed again we connect and communicate what happened in the day. We both feel like this is important. There are so many ways we can connect, making sure I have her back, and she has mine, no matter what. I could not be and do all I came here to do without her. Together we are unstoppable but without each other we are limited. Everyone needs help, we all need support and someone to share our likes and dislikes with. Someone to hold us when we need it, and someone to kick our ass when we need it as well. I believe LOVE is in everything, and everyone. However, we have not all had the incredible gift of having a safe place to land. A safe place to communicate and connect. I believe this is priceless.
I love working with couples to create a safe place to communicate and connect. We need to respect each other space for growth. I believe we do not spend enough time on each other. For example, many of my female clients in heterosexual relationships would complain that they felt like sex was on the chore list. They never said they did not want to have sex, just that they were tired at the end of the day and had too much to do. On the other side, male clients would say, after the baby, that their spouse did not have time for them. I think if couples worked together to get the household chores done, and spend time appreciating each other’s roles, there would always be time for each other.
The book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D. is a fantastic read. It talks about our differences and how to develop a loving, nurturing relationship. Men and Women do not think the same way and that is ok. How many of you would love to go to bed every night feeling full and connected to your partners on a deeper level and knowing that we can completely be ourselves? Being able to express yourself through acts of kindness, touch and pleasure while feeling safe, builds healthy intimacy thus building healthy relationships. This is like pure electric energy calmly surging through your body, clearing all negativity, and recharging your battery. Sounds great right? You and your partner will feel incredible and will sleep great. In the beginning, it might feel a little awkward but believe me it will be worth it!
